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jokes

After an overnight flight to meet my father at his latest
military assignment, my mother wearily arrived at Rhein-Main
Air Base in Germany with my eight siblings and me -- all
under age 11. Collecting our many suitcases, the ten of us
entered the cramped customs area. A young customs official
watched our entourage in disbelief, ''Ma'am,'' he said,
"'do all these children and this luggage belong to you?''
''Yes, sir,'' my mother said with a sigh, ''they're all mine.''

The customs agent began his interrogation: ''Ma'am, do you have
any weapons, contraband or illegal drugs in your possession?''

''Sir,'' she calmly answered, ''if I'd had any of those items,
I would have used them by now.''

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My family physician told me of an incident that actually happened
to him back in the early days of his practice. He said a woman brought
her baby to see him, and he determined right away that the baby had an
earache. He wrote a prescription for ear drops. In the directions he wrote,
"Put two drops in right ear every four hours" and he abbreviated "right" as an R
with a circle around it. Several days passed, and the woman returned with her baby,
complaining that the baby still had an earache, and his little behind was getting
really greasy with all those drops of oil. The doctor looked at the bottle of ear
drops and sure enough, the pharmacist had typed the following instructions
on the label: "Put two drops in R ear every four hours."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jack had a near death experience that changed his life forever.
One day, Jack went horseback riding. Everything was going fine
until the horse started bouncing out of control. He tried with all
his might to hang on, but was thrown off.

Just when things could not possibly get worse, Jack's foot got
caught up in the stirrup. When this happened, he fell head first to
the ground. His head continued to bounce harder and harder, and the
horse did not stop or even slow down. Just as he was giving up hope
and losing consciousness, the Wal-Mart manager came out
and unplugged it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A husband and wife are traveling by car.
After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too
tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest.
They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for
four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours
later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.
The man explodes and demands to know why the
charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice
hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.
When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking
to the manager. The manager listens to the man and then explains the hotel has
an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were
available for the husband and wife to use. He also explains they
could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is
famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas
perform here," explains the manager.
No matter what facility the manager mentions, the man replies,
"But we didn't use it!" The manager is unmoved and eventually the man
gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the manager.
The manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says,
"this check is only made out for $100." "That's right," says the man.
"I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife."
"But I didn't!" exclaims the manager.
"Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An elderly woman went into the doctor`s office. When the doctor
asked why she was there, she replied, "I`d like to have some
birth-control pills." Taken back, the doctor thought for a minute and then said,
"Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you`re 72 years old. What possible
use could you have for birth control pills?" The woman responded, "They help me
sleep better." The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do
birth control pills help you to sleep?" The woman said, "Simple, I put them in my
granddaughter`s orange juice every morning and I sleep better at night."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A bloke is in a queue at the Super Market when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him. He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says "Sorry, do you know me?" She replies "I may be mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!" His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful, "Crumbs!" he says "are you that fabulous stripogram on my stag night that I made love to on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your gorgeous mate whipped me with some wet celery and a cucumber?" "No" she replies, "I'm your son's English Teacher"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Vice Presidents and personnel directors of the
one hundred largest corporations were asked to
describe their most unusual experience interviewing
prospective employees:

A job applicant challenged the interviewer to an
arm wrestle.

Interviewee wore a Walkman, explaining that she could
listen to the interviewer and the music at the same time.

Candidate fell and broke arm during interview.

Candidate announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded
to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewers
office.

Candidate explained that her long-term goal was to replace
the interviewer.

Candidate said he never finished high school because he was
kidnapped and kept in a closet in Mexico.

Balding Candidate excused himself and returned to the office
a few minutes later wearing a headpiece.

Applicant said if he was hired he would demonstrate his
loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.

Applicant interrupted interview to phone her therapist for
advice on how to answer specific interview questions.

Candidate brought large dog to interview.

Applicant refused to sit down and insisted on being
interviewed standing up.

Candidate dozed off during interview.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A father noticed that his son was spending way too
much time playing computer games.

In an effort to motivate the boy into focusing more
attention on his schoolwork, the father said to his
son, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying
books by the light of the fireplace."

The son replied, "When Lincoln was your age, he was
The President of The United States."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Funnies From Real Resumes


"Personal: I'm married with 9 children. I don't require prescription drugs.

"I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't let them
know of my immediate availability."


"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have
never quit a job."

"Number of dependents: 40."

"Marital Status: Often. Children: Various."

REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:

"Responsibility makes me nervous."

"They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every
morning. Couldn't work under those conditions."

"Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches."

"The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three
previous employers."

SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:

"Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my
employer does not know I am looking for another job."

"My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training
in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."

"I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant."

PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:

"Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep."

PERSONAL INTERESTS:

"Donating blood. 14 gallons so far."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Why is divorce so expensive?

Because it's worth it!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his
stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow
inmates. The warden knew that, deep down, Andy was a good
person. So, the warden made arrangements for the inmate to
learn a trade while doing his time.

Some three years later, Andy was recognized as one of the
best carpenters in the local area. Often, he would be given
a weekend pass to do odd jobs for citizens of the community.
And he always reported back to prison by early Sunday evening.
Andy was a model inmate.

One day, the warden considered remodeling his kitchen,
though he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen
cupboards and a large countertop. So he called Andy into his
office and asked him to do the job for him.

To the warden's surprise, Andy simply refused to help.

"But you're an expert, Andy, and I really need your help,"
said the warden.

"Gosh, warden, I'd really like to help you, but counter
fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


There was a doctor, a civil engineer, and a computer scientist sitting around
late one evening, and they got to discussing which was the oldest profession.
The doctor pointed out that according to Biblical tradition, God created Eve from
Adam's rib. This obviously required surgery, so therefore that was the oldest
profession in the world.
The engineer countered with an earlier passage in the Bible that stated that God
created order from the chaos, and that was most certainly the biggest and best
civil engineering example ever, and also proved that his profession was the
oldest profession.
The computer scientist leaned back in her chair, and with a sly smile responded,
"Yes, but who do you think created the chaos?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two men were talking one day. "My wife asked me to buy
ORGANIC vegetables from the market garden," said the first man.
"So were you able to find some?" the second man asked.
"Well when I got to the market, I said to the produce clerk,
'These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed
with any poisonous chemicals?' The produce clerk said,
'No, you'll have to do that yourself.'"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age.
The next day, she locked me in the cellar.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If it weren't for marriage, men and women would have to fight with total strangers.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If it weren't for marriage, men would spend their lives thinking they had no faults at all.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I think I have found inner peace.
I read an article that said the way to achieve
inner peace is to finish things you had started.
Today I finished two bags of potato chips, a
chocolate pie, a bottle of wine and a small box
of chocolate candy. I feel better already.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


The five stages of a woman's life
1. To Grow Up
2. To Fill Out
3. To Slim Down
4. To Hold It In
5. To Hell With It

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Children were asked about dating here is what they
said:

What Do Most People Do on a Date?
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that
usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date."
-Martin, Age 10

"Many daters just eat pork chops and french fries and talk
about love." -Craig, Age 9

When Is It Okay to Kiss Someone?

"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks
to buy her a ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have
videos of the wedding." -Allan, Age 10

"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing
thing if anybody sees you....If nobody sees you, I might be
willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few
hours." Kally, Age 9

The Great Debate: Is It Better to Be Single or Married?
"You should ask the people who read Cosmopolitan"
-Kirsten, Age 10

"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys
need somebody to clean up after them."
-Anita, Age 9

"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just
a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble." Will, Age 7


Good Advice From Kids

"Never trust a dog to watch your food."
-Patrick, age 10

"When your Dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?'
Don't answer."
-Hannah, age 9

Never tell your Mom her diet's not working."
-Michael, age 14

"Stay away from prunes."
-Randy, age 9

"Don't pull Dad's finger when he tells you to."
-Emily, age 10

"When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let
her brush your hair."
-Taylia, age 11

"Never let your three-year old brother in
the same room as your school assignment."
-Traci, age 14

"A puppy always has bad breath--even after eating a Tic-Tac."
- Andrew, age 9

"Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time."
- Kyoyo, age 11

"You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk."
-Amir, age 9

"Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts."
-Kellie, age 11

"If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse."
-Naomi, age 15

"Felt-tip markers are not good to use as lipstick."
-Lauren, age 9

"Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat."
-Joel, age 10

"When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your
Mom when she's on the phone."
-Alyesha, age 13

"Never try to baptize a cat."
-Eileen, age 8

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A grandmother was giving directions to her grown grandson who
was coming to visit with his wife:

"You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in
apartment 14T. There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow
push button 14T. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on
the right. Get in, and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out I am
on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell".

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with
my elbow"?

"You're coming empty handed?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What is the most dangerous part of a car?
The nut that holds the steering wheel.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

First Day at School

A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the
first day of school: "If you promise not to believe everything
your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe
everything he says happens at home.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Why don't women work as hard and long at the office as men?

They do the job right first time!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Why are male brains considered a better donation to science?

They haven't been used so much!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man goes to the doctor with a strawberry growing out of his
head. The doctor looks at it and says "I'll give you some cream
to put on that."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Computer Tech Support-Supposedly True Stories


Customer: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."
Tech Support: "Tell me what you've done."
Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'."
Tech Support: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."
Customer: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'."
Tech Support: "Insert the MS Word setup disk."
Customer: "What?"
Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"
Customer "No."


Customer: "Do I need a computer to use your
software?"


Tech Support: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of
the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
Tech Support: "Years of training..."


Tech Support: "What type of computer do you have?"
Customer: "A white one."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground,
Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child.
Smiling sweetly, the teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child, I was told
that if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you
weren't warned."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A woman in a supermarket pushed a grocery cart with a
screaming baby in it.

As she moved up and down the aisles, she kept murmuring,
"Stay calm, Mary. Don't cry, Mary. Don't scream, Mary."

Another woman watched in admiration and then remarked,
"You certainly have a lot of patience with little Mary."

"What do you mean?" snapped the woman. "I'm Mary!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Barb was getting to know David and his family, she was
very impressed by how much his parents loved each other.
They're so thoughtful," Barb said. "Why, your dad even
brings your mom a cup of hot coffee in bed every morning."
After a time, Barb and David were engaged, and then married.
On the way from the wedding to the reception, Barb again
remarked on David's loving parents, and even the coffee in bed.
"Tell me," she said, "does it run in the family?"
"It sure does," replied David. "And I take after my mom."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have a spelling checker,
It came with my PC;
It plainly marks four my revue,
Mistakes I cannot sea.
I've run this poem threw it,
I'm sure your please to no,
Its letter perfect in it's weigh,
My checker tolled me sew.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Label Instructions
Actual label instructions on consumer goods:
1. On a Sears hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping".
[Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair]

2. On a bag of Fritos: "You could be winner! No purchase
necessary. Details inside". [Evidently, the shoplifter special]

3. On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap."
[And that would be how...?]

4. On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestions: Defrost."
[But it's *just* a suggestion]

5. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box):
"Do not turn upside down". [Oops, too late]

6. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating".
[As sure as night follows the day...]

7. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body".
[But wouldn't this save even more time?]

8. On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate
machinery after taking this medication". [We could do a lot to reduce the
rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with
head colds off those forklifts.]

9. On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness"
[One would hope]

10.On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only".
[As opposed to what?]

11.On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use".
[I gotta admit, I'm curious].

12.On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: Contains nuts". [NEWS FLASH]

13.On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: open packet,
eat nuts." [Step 3: Fly Delta]

14.On a child's Superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not
enable you to fly". [I don't blame the company. I do blame parents for this one!]

 

A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and going
to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 3
women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."

The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits
them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay,
Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."

She immediately replies, "The one in the middle."

"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"

"I don't like her."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A woman went to a Florida lemon grove to apply for a job, but the
foreman thought she seemed way too qualified for the position.
"Do you even have any actual experience picking lemons?" he asked.

"Well, I think I do." she replied. "I've been divorced three times."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist

Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically designed to
launch dead chickens at the windshields of airlines,
military jets, and the space shuttle, all traveling at
maximum velocity.

The idea is to simulate the frequent collisions with
airborne fowl in order to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to
test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains.
Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British
engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the
chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the
shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted
through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest
in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin,
like an arrow shot from a bow.

The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of
the experiment, along with the designs of the
windshield, and begged the US scientists for suggestions.

NASA responded with a one-line memo: "Thaw the chicken"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


If at first you don't succeed - sky diving's not for you

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
.
Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

While on maternity leave, a woman from our office brought
in her new bundle of joy. She also had her seven-year- old
son with her. Everyone gathered around the baby, and the little
boy asked, "Mommy, can I have some money to buy a soda?"
"What do you say?" she asked.
Respectfully, the boy replied, "You're thin and beautiful."
The woman reached in her purse and gave her son the money.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Little League

At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his
young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is?
What a team is?" The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win
together as a team?"
The little boy nodded yes.
"So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or
you're out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the
umpire. Do you understand all that?"
Again the little boy nodded that he understood.
"Good," said the coach.
"Now go over there and explain it to your parents."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered.
Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able
to give their elderly mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."
The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."
The third smiled and said, "I've got you, both beat. You remember how
Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very
well. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible.
It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of
a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the
parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks:
"Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge.
I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay
most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And
the driver is so rude!"

"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the
good sense to know what your mother likes.
The chicken was delicious."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A traveler was stumbling through the desert, desperate for
water, when he saw something far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water, he walked toward the image, only to
find a little old peddler sitting at a card table with a bunch
of ties laid out for sale.

The parched wanderer asked, "Please, I'm dying of thirst,
can I have some water?"

The man replied "I don't have any water, but why don't you
buy a tie? Here's one that goes nicely with your clothes."

The desperate man shouted, "I don't want a tie, you idiot,
I need water!"

"OK, don't buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am,
I'll tell you that over that hill there, about 5 miles, is a nice
restaurant. Walk that way, they'll give you all the water you want."

The man thanked the peddler and walked away toward the hill
and eventually disappeared out of sight. Three hours later he
returned. The man at the card table asked, "I told you, about 5
miles over that hill. Couldn't you find it?"


"I found it all right. They wouldn't let me in without a tie."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A woman visited her doctor for the fifth time that month.
"You've got hypochondria" the doctor told her.
"Oh no, not that as well!" replied the woman.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Why did the man keep staring at the orange juice carton?
Because it said concentrate.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves
in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment
they both go to sleep, the woman on the lower bunk, the man on the top.
In the middle of the night the man leans over and says, "I'm sorry to
bother you but I'm cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass
me another blanket."
The woman leans out and says in a sexy voice, "I've got a better
idea...let's pretend we're married"
"Why not", says the eager man.
"Good",she replies, "Get your own blanket!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son.
"Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"
"But why, Mom? I don't want to go."
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."
"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me also!"
"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."
"Give me two reasons why I should go to school."
"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the PRINCIPAL!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Guide To Great Writing
1. Avoid alliteration. Always.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. Avoid clichés like the plague.
4. Employ the vernacular.
5. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
6. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
7. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
8. Contractions aren't necessary.
9. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
10. One should never generalize.
11. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
12. Comparisons are as bad as clichés.
13. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
14. Be more or less specific.
15. Understatement is always best.
16. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
17. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
18. The passive voice is to be avoided.
19. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
20. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
21. Who needs rhetorical questions?
22. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Notes Found On Hospital Charts

She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she
was very hot in bed last night.

Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.

Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

The patient refused autopsy.

The patient has no previous history of suicides.

Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with
only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

She is numb from her toes down.

While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

The skin was moist and dry.

Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.

She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life,
until she got a divorce.

I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for
physical therapy.

Skin: somewhat pale but present.

The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt
we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


The Hormone Hostage

The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has
to do is open his mouth and he takes his life into his own hands! This is a
handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of
every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?

DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't over do it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


My wife asked me, "How come you're not playing golf with Joe any more?"

"Would you play golf with a guy who moves his ball to a better position
when you're not watching?

Would you play golf with a guy that "forgets" to count some of his
strokes," the husband exclaims!

The wife replies, "No, I guess I wouldn't!"

"Well, neither will Joe."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If we're not supposed to eat late-night snacks, why is
there a light in the refrigerator?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three old men are discussing their sex lives.

The Italian man says, "Last week, my wife and I had great
sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made
passionate love, and she screamed for 5 minutes at the end."

The Frenchman boasts, "Last week when my wife and I had
sex, I rubbed her body all over with butter. We then made
passionate love and she screamed for 15 minutes."

The old Jewish man says, "Well, last week my wife and
I had sex too. I rubbed her body all over with chicken
schmaltz (kosher chicken fat), we made love, and she
screamed for 6 hours."

The Italian and Frenchman were stunned. They replied,
"What could you have possibly done to make your wife
scream for 6 hours?"

"I wiped my hands on the drapes."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You're Not a Kid Anymore When

You quit trying to hold in your stomach, no matter who walks
into the room.

You enjoy watching the news.

The phone rings and you hope it's not for you.

The only reason you're still awake at 4 am is indigestion.

People ask what color your hair USED to be.

You're proud of your lawnmower.

Your best friend is dating someone half their age AND isn't
breaking any laws.

You start singing along with the elevator music.

You really do want a new washing machine for your birthday.

Your car has four doors.

You routinely check the oil in your car.

You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.

7 AM is your idea of "sleeping in."

You write thank you notes without being told.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Signs of The Times...


1. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.

2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

3. You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat. He
emails you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?"

4. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.

5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa,
but you haven't spoken with your next door neighbor this year.

6. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see
if it contains Echinacea.

7. Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file of your
newborn so she can create a screen saver.

8. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see
if anyone is home.

9. Every commercial on television has a web-site address at the bottom of the screen.

10. You buy a computer and 6 months later it is out of date and now
sells for half the price you paid.

11. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't
have the first 20 or 30 years of your life, is cause for panic and
turning around to go get it.

12. Using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a
purchase would be a hassle and take planning.

13. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags
out of the back seat of your car.

14. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they
do not have e-mail addresses.

15. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.

16. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.

17. Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored Post-it notes.

18. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.

19. You get an extra phone line (or a ADSL/cable modem) so you can
get phone calls.

20. You disconnect from the Internet and get this awful feeling, as
if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

21. You get up in morning and go online before getting your coffee.

22. You wake up at 2 am to go to the bathroom and check your E-mail
on your way back to bed.

23. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)

24. You're reading this.

25. Even worse; you're going to forward it to someone else.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A young man was walking through a supermarket to
pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following
him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and
continued on. Finally he went to the check-out line, but
she got in front of him.
"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you
has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look
ust like my son, who I haven't seen in a long time."
"That's a shame," replied the young man, "is there anything
I can do for you?"
"Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother!'?
It would make me feel so much better."
"Sure," answered the young man. So, when the old woman
was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!"
As he stepped up to the check-out counter, he saw that his
total was $127.50. "How can that be?" he asked, "I only
purchased a few things!"
The clerk replied, "Your mother said that you would pay for her."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him.
The young man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward them.
Before she could offer her apologies or being so rude for staring, the young man said to her, 'I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do for $100 on one condition. Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The young man replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words. The woman considered his proposition for a moment then from her purse slowly counted out five $20 bills, which she gladly pressed into the young man's hand. She looked deeply into his eyes and slowly, meaningfully said,............ 'Clean my house.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tom had been a compulsive worrier for years until he found a way to overcome this problem. His friends noticed the dramatic change. "You don't seem to be worried about anything any more."
"I hired a professional worrier for $1000.00 a week, "Tom replied. "I haven't had a single qualm since."
"A thousand a week!" said Doug. "How are you going to pay him?"
"That's his problem."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Never let a man's mind wander, it's too little to be out alone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. Do you know what it means to come home to a man who'll give you love, affection, tenderness and understanding?

A. It means you're in the wrong house.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Why do men like smart women?

Opposites attract.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Do you know what would have happened if it had been Three Wise Women instead of Three Wise Men?

They would have asked directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, brought practical gifts and there would be Peace On Earth.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A 47 year old woman is naked, jumping up and down on her bed laughing and singing. Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her. He watches her a while then says, "You look ridiculous! What on earth do you think you're doing?"

She says, "I just got my checkup and my doctor says I have the breasts of an 18 year old." She starts laughing and jumping up and down again.

He says, "Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 47 year old ass?"

She said, "Your name never came up."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Signs Of The Times

In the front yard of a funeral home, "Drive carefully, we'll
wait."

On an electrician's truck, "Let us remove your shorts."

Outside a radiator repair shop, "Best place in town to take a
leak."

In a nonsmoking area, "If we see you smoking, we will assume you
are on fire and take appropriate action."

On a maternity room door, "Push, Push, Push."

On a front door, "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except
the dog."

At an optometrist's office, "If you don't see what you're looking
for, you've come to the right place."

On a taxidermist's window, "We really know our stuff."

On a butcher's window, "Let me meat your needs."

On a fence, "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."

At a car dealership, "The best way to get back on your feet --
miss a car payment."

Outside a muffler shop, "No appointment necessary. We'll hear
you coming."

In a dry cleaner's emporium, "Drop your pants here."

On a desk in a reception room, "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and
the 2nd one just left."

In a veterinarian's waiting room, "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit!
Stay!"

At the electric company, "We would be delighted if you send in
your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."

In a Beauty Shop, "Dye now!"

On the side of a garbage truck, "We've got what it takes to take
what you've got." (Burglars please copy.)

In a restaurant window, "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in
and get fed up."

Inside a bowling alley, "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin
drop."

In a cafeteria, "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria.
Socks can eat any place they want."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One - he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A. To stop the snoring before it starts.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Did you hear about the constipated accountant?

A: He couldn't budget

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

While visiting a friend who was in the hospital, I noticed several pretty
nurses, each of whom was wearing a pin designed to look like an apple.

I asked one nurse what the pin signified.

"Nothing," she said with a smile. "It's just to keep the doctors away."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for
drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Just as a surgeon was finishing up an operation and was about to
close, the patient awakes sits up, and demands to know what is
going on. "I'm about to close," the surgeon says. The patient
grabs his hand and says, "I'm not going to let you do that! I'll
close my own incision!" The doctor hands him the thread and says,
"Suture self."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the lavatory
equipment.
A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If some people said what they thought, they'd be speechless.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Employer to applicant: "In this job we need someone who is responsible."
Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went
wrong, they said I was responsible."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

YOU KNOW YOU'RE GETTING 'MARVELOUSLY MATURE' WHEN.............

1. You and your teeth don't sleep together.
2. Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.
3. At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.
4. Your back goes out but you stay home.
5. When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture.
6. It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
7. When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
8. When happy hour is a nap.
9. When you're on vacation and your energy runs out before your money does..
10. When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you and you always hated it.
11. When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
12. When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.
13. Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
14. It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
15. Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.
16. Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.
17. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
18. The pharmacist has become your new best friend.
19. Getting "lucky" means you found your car in the parking lot.
20. The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the sun on your bifocals.
21. It takes twice as long - to look half as good.
22. Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt - doesn't work.
23. You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on your head the whole time.
24. You sink your teeth into a steak - and they stay there.
25. You give up all your bad habits and still don't feel good.
26. You have more patience, but it is actually that you just don't care any more.
27. You finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
28. You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge
than to let her keep him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the
street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Joe," a teacher reprimanded the teenager in the hall, "do you mind telling me whose class you're cutting this time?"
"Like," the young teen replied, "uh, see, okay, like it's like I really don't like think like that's really important, y'know, like because I'm y'know, like I don't get anything out of it."
"It's English class, isn't it?" replied the smiling teacher.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What do you call a man who's lost 75% of his intelligence?
A: Divorced.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I've got to get to the doctor and renew my prescription of birth control pills. I can't afford to get pregnant!" said Susan to Marie.

"But I thought you said your husband had a vasectomy," Marie responded.

"He did." Susan replied "That's why I can't afford to get pregnant."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


You Know You've Had Too Much Holiday Cheer When....

1. You notice your tie sticking out of your fly.
2. Someone uses your tongue for a coaster.
3. You start kissing the portraits on the wall.
4. You see your underwear hanging from the chandelier.
5. You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off.
6. You strike a match and light your nose.
7. You take off your shoes and wade in the potato salad.
8. You hear someone say, "Call a priest!"
9. You hear a duck quacking and it's you.
10. You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet.
11. You refill your glass from the fish bowl.
12. You tell everyone you have to go home... and the party's at your place.
13. You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket.
14. You yawn at the biggest bore in the room... and realize you're in front of the hall mirror.
15. You pick up a roll, and butter your watch.
16. You suggest everyone stand and sing the national budget.
18. You're at the dinner table and you ask the hostess to pass a bedpan.
19. You take out your handkerchief and blow your ear.
20. You tell your best joke to the rubber plant.
21. You realize you're the only one under the coffee table

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Father Christmas' sledge broke down on Christmas Eve. He flagged down a passing motorist and asked, 'Can you help me fix my sledge?'
'Sorry,' the motorist replied. 'I'm not a mechanic - I'm a chiropodist.'
'Well, can you give me a toe?'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What do you give a train driver for Christmas ?
Platform shoes !

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Father Christmas: I thought I asked you to go out there and clear the snow!
I'm on my way, Father Christmas.
Father Christmas: But you only have one welly on!
That's all right! There's only one foot of snow!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What do snowmen wear on their heads ?
Ice caps !

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
A: You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A kindly 90-year-old grandmother found
buying presents for family and friends a bit
much one Christmas, so she wrote out
checks for all of them to put in her Christmas
cards. She wrote "Buy your own present"
after her name on the cards, then sent them off.

After the Christmas festivities were over, she
found the checks in her desk!

Everyone had gotten a Christmas card from
her with "Buy your own present" written inside,
but without the checks. Ooops!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man walked out into the street and managed to get a taxi just going by. What luck, he thought, as he slid into the cab. "Perfect timing," the cabby said. "You're just like Bill."

"Who?" asked the man. "Bill Smith. There's a guy who did everything right," the cabby said. "Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Bill every time."

"Nah," the man said to the cabby. "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

"Not Bill," said the cabby. "He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star."

"Bill was really something, huh?"

"Oh, yeah," continued the cabby. "Bill had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out."

"No wonder you remember him," the man said. "Well, I never actually met Bill," said the cabby. "Then how in the world do you know so much about him?" "I married his widow," replied the cabby.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I think Santa Claus is a woman....

I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she.
Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing
social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull
it all off!
For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting
gifts until Christmas Eve. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised
to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left
on the shelves. On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman.
Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas
morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.
Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
* Men can't pack a bag.
* Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
* Men don't answer their mail.
* Men would refuse to allow their physique to be describe even in jest as
anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
* Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
* Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.
* Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Billy Gates' Letter To Santa

Dear Santa,

How are you doing? I hope you've had a successful year and have come
up with a lot of interesting toys. It's really neat how you're able to
do that year after year. I guess that's how you stay number one in the
Christmas presents business business.

Actually, I admire the way you run Christmas. You really have a
handle on it. You find out what people want (with letters like this
and having kids tell you in person), and then you make the presents
and control how they are delivered. It's an impressive operation.

I also like how you've got it to where when somebody says
"Christmas presents," people automatically think Santa Claus. What a
marketing advantage. Best of all, even though you're a huge success,
people still don't know much about your private life. It's just
rumors. That's so neat.

I think being at the North Pole helps. That was a good move. For
example, when you're designing toys, only your elves know what you're
doing, and you're way up there where nobody can spy on you and steal
your ideas. And even if they do, you can always just let it out that
you're making the same stuff to bring to people for free, so why would
they buy the other guy's stuff?

Also, other people who make Christmas presents can't deliver them
like you can. Yours is the only sleigh on the distribution highway.
You must get some great discounts from them, because if they don't
play ball you can just refuse to give out their presents. Very Sharp.

What I don't get is why you give away stuff. That's the dumbest
idea I've ever heard. I admit, it's why you're number one- who could
compete with a deal like that? But it must make it hard to stay in
business, especially when you have to visit every kid in the world.
You have to keep growing or fail.

Here's an idea on how you can help finance your operation: Give
everybody at least one battery-operated present at Christmas, then you
could make batteries and sell them the rest of the year. It would
create a demand: You give people something and then sell them what they
need to make it work.

Another thing, about you coming down the chimney. That's so slow
and inefficient. And what about all the people who don't have chimneys,
Santa? I have one word for you: windows. Everybody has windows.

That's about all I have to say. You're probably wondering if I was
good or bad this year, but I don't really like to talk about my
personal life, if that's O.K. (Just out of curiosity: When you were a
boy, did any of the other kids call you a nerd?) Anyway, I don't really
have anything to ask for. Mostly I think up something to play with and
then build it myself. I guess I'm sort of like you-- I make my own
toys.

Best of luck,
Billy Gates

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Mother's Letter To Santa

I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned,
and cuddled my two children on demand, visited
the doctor's office more than my doctor, sold sixty
two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a
shade tree on the school playground and figured out
how to attach nine patches onto my daughter's girl
scout sash with staples and a glue gun.
I was hoping you could spread my list out over several
Christmases, since I had to write this letter with my
son's red crayon, on the back of a receipt in the laundry
room between cycles, and who knows when I'll find
any more free time in the next 18 years.

Here are my Christmas wishes:
I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache after a day of chasing
kids (in any color, except purple, which I already have)
and arms that don't flap in the breeze, but are strong
enough to carry a screaming toddler out of the candy
aisle in the grocery store.
I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the
seventh month of my last pregnancy. If you're hauling
big ticket items this year I'd like a car with fingerprint
resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult music;
a television that doesn't broadcast any programs containing
talking animals; and a refrigerator with a secret compartment
behind the crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone.
On the practical side, I could use a talking daughter doll that
says, "Yes, Mommy" to boost my parental confidence, along
with one potty trained toddler, two kids who don't fight,
and three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without
the use of power tools.
I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting,
"Don't eat in the living room" and 'Take your hands off your
brother,' because my voice seems to be just out of my children's
hearing range and can only be heard by the dog.
And please don't forget the Playdoh Travel Pack, the hottest
stocking stuffer this year for mothers of pre-schoolers.
It comes in three fluorescent colors and is guaranteed to crumble
on any carpet making the In-laws' house seem just like mine.
If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle for enough
time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning,
or the luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature without
it being served in a Styrofoam container. If you don't mind I could
also use a few Christmas miracles to brighten the holiday season.
Would it be too much trouble to declare ketchup a vegetable?
It will clear my conscience immensely. It would be helpful if you
could coerce my children to help around the house without demanding
payment as if they were the bosses of an organized crime family;
or if my toddler didn't look so cute sneaking downstairs to eat contraband
ice cream in his pyjamas at midnight.
Well, Santa, the buzzer on the dryer is ringing and my son saw my feet
under the laundry room door. I think he wants his crayon back.
Have a safe trip and remember to leave your wet boots by the chimney
and come in and dry off by the fire so you don't catch cold. Help
yourself to cookies on the table, but don't eat too many or leave
crumbs on the carpet.
Yours Always
Mom.
PS One more thing...you can cancel all my requests if you can keep my
children young enough to believe in you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


1973: Long Hair
2003: Longing for hair
1973: Moving to California because it's cool.
2003: Moving to California because it's warm.
1973: Getting out to a new, hip joint.
2003: Getting a new hip joint.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I don't think I was concentrating properly when midnight struck on January 1st 2000.
It just went in one era and out the other.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I once had a friend who was a renowned clinical psychologist. He used to tell me about all the patients he had seen. One of the most interesting cases he told me about involved a schizophrenic with multiple personality disorder. At times this person believed himself to be a temptress in a Bizet opera. At other times he was convinced that he was the head of the German Luftwaffe in WW II.
The consensus of the practitioners was that the poor fellow didn't know if he was Carmen or Goerring...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Diet Facts
A diet is a weigh of life.
It's not the minutes spent at the table that put on weight, it's the seconds.
It's something most of us do religiously: We eat what we want and pray we don't gain weight.
The problem with curbing our appetites is that most of us do it at the drive in window of McDonalds.
The most fattening thing you can put in an ice cream sundae is a spoon.
The biggest drawback to fasting for seven days is that it makes one weak.
Sweets are the destiny that shapes our ends.
Diets are for people who are thick and tired of it.
The toughest part of a diet isn't watching what you eat. It's watching what other people eat.
Diets are for women who not only kept their girlish figure but doubled it.
A diet is when you have to go to some length to change your width.
The best way to lose weight is by skipping ... snacks and desert.
Most people gain weight by having intimate dinners for two...alone.
People go to Weight Watchers to learn their lessens.
A diet is the modern-day meal in which a family counts its calories instead of its blessings.
A diet is what you go on when not only can't you fit into the store's dresses, you can't fit into the dressing room.
One guideline applies to fat and thin people alike: If you're thin, don't eat fast. If you're fat, don't eat - FAST.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding
man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on
bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a
perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How To Make Someone Fall In Love With You
"Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores." -- Del, age 6
"Shake your hips and hope for the best." -- Camille, age 9
"Yell out that you love them at the top of your lungs ... and don't
worry if their parents are right there." -- Manuel, age 8
"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get
attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love." -- Alonzo, age 9
"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something
she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me." -- Bart, age 9

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What did the girl bee say to the boy bee on Valentine's Day?
A. I love beeing with you, Honey!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q:Why is lettuce the most loving vegetable?
A: Because it's all heart

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A little old man was escorted into the witness box. After being sworn
in, the lawyer asked him to explain what happened. After a lengthy
discussion of the events leading up to the incident, he finally got
around to the meat of the case.
"...and then she hit me with a maple leaf."
"Surely that couldn't have caused you any serious injury?" said the lawyer.
"Are you kidding?" exclaimed the old man. "It was the leaf from the center
of our dining room table."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I ran into Jim at work yesterday. He had been out for a few
days with the flu. I asked him how he was feeling. "I'm better,
thanks. You know, it was a wonderful experience." he replied.
"Wonderful? How can the flu be wonderful?" I asked in stunned disbelief.
"Well, I learned that my wife really loves me. You know that whenever
the mailman came by or a delivery man headed toward the door,
my wife ran out to meet them? I could hear her excitedly saying,
'My husband is home! My husband is home!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Be nice to your children. They'll select your nursing home
-Anon.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Naming the Twins

A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the
hospital when his car went out of control and crashed. Upon
regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless world-
class practical joker, sitting at his bed side.

He asked his brother how his wife was and his brother replied,
"Don't worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a
daughter. But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth
certificates filed and since both you and your wife were
unconscious, I named them for you."

The husband was thinking to himself, "Oh no, what has he done
now?" and said with trepidation, "Well what did you name them?"

The brother replied, "I named the little girl Denise."

The husband, relieved, said, "That's a very pretty name! What did
you come up with for my son?"

The brother replied, "Denephew."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A marriage counsellor was attempting to find out something about
his patient's attitude by asking her some questions.
"Did you wake up grumpy this morning?" he asked.
"No, replied the woman, "I just let him sleep."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Stray cats will not be fed.

Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened
with a little milk.

Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened
with warm milk, yummy treats and leftover fish scraps.

Stray cats will not be petted, played with or picked up and cuddled
unnecessarily.

Stray cats that are petted, played with, picked up and cuddled will
absolutely not be given a name.

Stray cats with or without a name will not be allowed inside the house
at any time.

Stray cats allowed inside will not be permitted to jump up on or
sharpen their claws on the furniture.

Stray cats will be permitted on furniture but must sharpen claws on
new $114.99 sisal rope scratching post with three perches.

Stray cats will sleep outside.

Stray cats will sleep in the garage.

Stray cats will sleep in the house, but not in our bed.

Stray cats will sleep in our bed, but not under the covers.

Stray cats will not play on the desk.

Stray cats will not play on the desk near the computer.

Stray cats are forbidden to walk on the computer keyboard on the
desk when the human is using it.

Stray cats will not CJDJBEFUBEDBVKJB KNCX ZXMNLJN!


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man walks into the doctor's office with a carrot stuck
into one ear and a piece of meat stuffed into one of
his nostrils. He says "Doc, I'm not feeling well."
Doctor answers, "No wonder, you're not eating properly."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men .......... a woman.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bubba & Earl were in the local bar enjoying a beer when they
decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle. They bought
five tickets each at a dollar a pop.

The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had
won a prize. Earl won 1st prize, a year's supply of gourmet
spaghetti sauce and extra-long spaghetti. Bubba won 6th prize,
a toilet brush.

About a week or so had passed when the men met back in
the neighborhood bar for a couple of beers. Bubba asked Earl
how he liked his prize, to which Earl replied, "Great, I love spaghetti!
How about you, how's that toilet brush?"

"Not so good," replied Bubba, "I reckon I'm gonna go back to paper."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Reasons not to get a job in tech support!

Tech Support: "What version of that software are you using?"
Customer: "The computer version."

Tech Support: "Tell me, is the cursor still there?"
Customer: "No, I'm alone right now."

Customer: "Winsock is performing illegal acts."

Customer: "Where is the lower case?"

Tech Support: "Hi, this is tech support. I was returning your support call."
Customer: "Sorry, we don't sell lobsters to the public."

Tech Support: "What web browser are you using?"
Customer: "Aren't you my browser?"

Tech Support: "I need you to boot the computer."
Customer: (THUMP! Pause.) "No, that didn't help."

Tech Support: "Ok sir, we'll do a file search to find it. Can you please click on Start, then Find, then--"
Customer: "Don't talk down to me like that! I'm not an idiot -- I know what I'm doing!"
Tech Support: "Ok sir, please Start, then Find to do a file search."
Customer: "How do I do that?"

Customer: "There are smoke and flames coming from my computer."
Tech Support: "Uh, hang up, unplug the computer from the wall, and
call the local fire department."
Customer: "That's not the problem. I need to know how to do a backup.
Fastest possible method."


I needed to wipe someone's hard drive and re-install Windows, so I asked her what
she had on her system that wasn't backed up.
Customer: "I have some data files for Mississippi Works saved."

Customer: "I ran Microwave Defrost, but it didn't help."
(Referring to Microsoft Defrag.)

Customer: "I'm having trouble with Internet Exposer."

Customer: "I have Netscape Complicator."

Customer: "I have Microsoft Exploder."


Customer: "My computer's telling me I performed an illegal abortion."

Customer: "It says I have 2 zillion bytes available, and I need 8 zillion."

Customer: "Well...we have the CD, but we can't find the ROM!"
After some inquiry, I finally understood what she perceived the "ROM" part of
"CD-ROM" to be: the picture. She said a specific multimedia CD was not displaying
the ROM. I corrected her mistaken impression, to which she said, quote,
"Huh." I walked her through the problem, and when it was fixed, she exclaimed loudly,
"We found the ROM! WE FOUND THE ROM!!!!"


Customer: "It's asking me for my username and passport. I don't have a passport!"

Tech Support: "What type of computer do you have?"
Customer: "A white one."

Tech Support: "Click on the computer icon on the left side of the screen."
Customer: "Is that your left or my left?"

One employee couldn't log in to her new computer account and asked me for help.
I asked all the routine questions, including, "Are you sure this is the right password?"
Her: (exasperated) "I'm sure it's the correct password. I typed in the one I saw (another co-worker)
use to login to her machine."
Me: "And what password was that?"
Her: "Five asterisks."


Once I overheard the guy in the tech support cubicle next to mine patiently explain:
Tech Support: "No, sir...clicking on 'Remember Password' will NOT help you remember your password."


Overheard at the office:
Person #1: "Ok, so I'm going to format this."
Person #2: "Yes, go on."
Person #1: "Sure?"
Person #2: "Sure."
Person #1: "Ok, let's type 'format c:', then 'enter'...ok.... Hey, is this the right computer?"

A lady struck up a conversation with me on an airplane.

Her: "And where are you going?"
Me: "I'm going to San Francisco to a UNIX convention."
Her: "Eunuchs convention? I didn't know there were that many of you."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A farmer, who went to a big city to see the sights, asked the hotel's clerk about the time of meals.
"Breakfast is served from 7 to 11, dinner from 12 to 3, and supper from 6 to 8," explained the clerk.
"Look here," inquired the farmer in surprise, "when am I going to get time to see the city?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire."
Friend: "And what was he before you married him?"
Woman: "A billionaire."

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